The breakdown

I’ve taken a break- a break from this blog and from everything else I was doing. I stopped eating healthy, stopped working out, stopped going to the city for work. What happened?

February 10th I started feeling pretty sick and I thought I was just going through PMS. I called my sister and complained about how junky I felt. On Feb 13th when I was still feeling awful, my sister told me to take a pregnancy test, just in case. Impossible I thought, I can’t get pregnant, but obliged anyway. I peed on the stick and suddenly the positive result showed. I was shocked. I started crying uncontrollably- trying to explain to my sister between whimpers how this was the end of my life, and that my husband wouldn’t be home until late the next day and I couldn’t tell him over the phone. When I told him the next day, he was ecstatic . Of course he was, his current life had 0 change, he was able to continue doing all the things he loved without question and didn’t have a body to worry about.

We had a plan. This was supposed to be the year of me- working out, eating healthy, scuba diving around the world, FINALLY going to Thailand- Then, this. Now I was pregnant, absolutely couldn’t scuba dive, had to think practically about money, and I was miserably sick.

I was so sick, I couldn’t move much. I was winded walking from the couch to the bathroom. I was nauseous all the time and the only thing that stopped the nausea was constant eating of carbs/ sugar. I literally ate bowls of just the charms from lucky charms. It was absolutely out of control. It took untold energy to get up to go anywhere, and I thanked god for my work from home job. Having been through chemotherapy, it was so similar that it made me flash back regularly in misery.

When I finally started slowly to feel better around 15-16 weeks, and became capable of more, everything still seemed so distant and out of reach. My routine and structure had completely broken down. I was in a rut and felt hopelessly stuck.

Now at 18 weeks, I feel like I’ve had a gastric bypass. It’s strange, like the baby is already taking up too much room. I am finally eating normally again. Now I have more energy, I’m only nauseous at night. My husband and I are on a vacation and I am so incredibly calm. After only a few days away from work and the stressors of life I feel ready. Ready to eat well, ready to move more, ready to be the person I would like to be. So maybe I won’t have some magical pregnancy with abs showing through, but I just want a healthy pregnancy and god willing a healthy but smaller baby that doesn’t tear me apart. 🙏